I tried to change, closed my mouth more.
Tried to be soft, prettier.
Fasted for sixty days.
Abstained from mirrors.
Abstained from sex.
Slowly did not speak another word.
In that time my hair grew past my ankles.
I slept on a matt on the floor.
I swallowed a sword.
I levitated into the basement, confessed my sins and was baptised in a river.
Got on my knees and said, “Amen.”
And said I mean I whipped my own back and asked for dominion at your feet.
I threw myself into a volcano.
I drank the blood and drank the wine.
I sat alone and begged and bent at the waist for God.
I crossed myself and thought I saw the devil.
I grew thickened skin on my feet.
I bathed in bleach and plugged my menses with pages from the Holy Book.
But still inside me coiled deep was the need to know.
Are you cheating? Are you cheating on me?
infidelity; the devil in disguise
of the person you idolise.
don’t change your soul
to obey the sins
of those who don’t love you.
What a waste to spend your life trying to be someone else.
What a waste to never embrace your organic self.
How sad to never fully appreciate the astounding individual that you are.
How sad to spend your time chasing the dreams of someone else.
How useless to repeat the path of those around
to become a copy
To bring the same outcome to the table.
To never bless the world with your own findings.
For the love of God
please do not become less of yourself
for what you believe is more.
maybe it was my up bringing
or maybe it’s inherited
but my unknowing weighs me down
pulling me away from any path i consider
i want to shut it off
these thoughts that stop me in my track
just let me take the risk
i’ll carry on the consequences on my back
i still love you
and that’s all i can feel
i still miss you
and that’s all i can say
i’m the oldest i’ve ever been
yet the furthest from knowing who i am
am i doing this because i want to
or because it seems stable to those who spectate
am i victoria
or am i simply a woman carved out by the expectations of those around her
And yet my jealousy arises,
when there’s nothing to envy at all.
To know I don’t need to prove myself,
is the best validation of all.
But here I witness achievements,
I don’t even want to possess,
yet my mind deceives me into believing,
that all I have is less.